Because I knew you...

I have been changed for good.
Kaley passed away on Sunday. Just like that. A phone call followed by a million questions and confusion. She was only a few months away from having her first baby, a girl. It's a new experience for me. This is the first time I've had someone this close to me pass away. Most of the day on Sunday I was walking in circles, feeling the need to do something. I was restless. I cringed every time I heard a new detail about her final days of life. I cried just not wanting it to be true and allowing bitterness to overcome me that she could or should have been saved. Chris sent me to our room and told me to pray. I did. I tried to fight off the why?

Eventually peace and comfort came. It usually comes (to me) in the form of words. Words I'd heard or read before. This time it was a conference talk by Elder Scott. I remember his words about not asking Heavenly Father "why?" The answer is usually "because it is His will," but rather "what am I to learn from this experience?" He has given me this opportunity to overcome a very difficult trial. And I also believe to remind me of the great blessings He has given to me. Most importantly, a temple marriage and eternal family. So now what can I learn from the example of my cousin?

Kaley was sunshine. She smiled and laughed all the time. She lived life to the fullest. She loved everyone. She had lots of friends. She was loyal to those friends. When we were young, we played together all the time. It was always us. Pretending, swimming, dress-up and laughter.
As we got older, our interests were different and our personalities. She danced, I played sports. She liked boys, I didn't. We had different friends. She was out-going and fun. I was much more reserved and grumpy. I try to not upset myself now with my behavior and actions of back then, but I admit I wasn't perfect and wasn't always the cousin I should have been to her. Or the friend. I hope she forgives me. In spite of it all, we had each other because we were family.
She was about to become a Mommy. She glowed with excitement. I know it was what she had always wanted. Her family is eternal and she is with her baby girl. I can't wait to see them together. She loved music, she loved to sing and dance and be silly. Whatever fun everyone else was having, that was what she wanted to be doing. She loved movies. She loved Disneyland.
She cried when you cried, she laughed when you laughed. Her heart was always open to others and she served and loved to the fullest.
I am resolved to be like her. Family is one of the most vital pillars in the Plan of Happiness.
I've loved looking through old pictures and only wish I had done it sooner.

This is one of my favorites. I can't wait to someday have this relationship again.