Loss

I suffer a loss. It hurts. I am told that one day it will get easier to deal with. I am told that it is easier to deal with when I write. I have always enjoyed writing. So now writing is therapy.

I haven't had any problems EVER getting pregnant. EVER. I had two children without any difficulties. I knew I wanted to have more children, and got pregnant again. That pregnancy started out different. Lots of spotting, no nausea, I knew something wasn't right. I had an ultrasound and was told that my pregnancy was an "empty sac" and I would miscarry. My body went through the natural process of a miscarriage and, while it was a little scary, it wasn't too difficult to overcome. Immediately I had an outpouring of phone calls and messages from friends, family, even strangers who shared their similar stories. It was as if everyone around me had suffered the same thing and it was just my turn to share the experience.
My doctor told me that there was no reason to wait to try to get pregnant again. I was also reminded that I had two beautiful, exceptionally healthy children at home and I needed to count my blessings already received.
My kids are the best. They are not perfect, but they come close. My kids have never had an ear infection. NEVER. We don't have any chronic illnesses or conditions that keep us from experiencing our world. I expect more from them than I should, I forget they are kids. I forget that I'm the one who teaches them about the world they live in and I'm the one responsible for them. I'm the only mother they are ever going to have. They are each so different in personality. They are born that way. I am still learning and may never get it exactly right. I love them and do the best I can for them.

So when I had a suspicion back in late November that I was pregnant, I decided that I was going to keep it to myself and not get my hopes up. Near Christmastime I started to feel nauseous. I called my doctor and, because of my recent history, was sent immediately to get an ultrasound. I was worried. I didn't want a repeat of September. The technician proudly showed me the screen with my baby inside. She said I was measuring at 12 weeks and sent me home with a disc of pictures and a heartbeat. I was so excited. Beyond excited. I couldn't wait to tell everyone. It was such a relief to my heart.
The nausea was there and it lingered, even after the first trimester. Plus I probably complained more than I should have. I didn't want anything to do with chicken. I never buy red meat, so chicken is usually a staple in our house. But not when Mommy was sick. I couldn't tolerate dairy either. Sugar seemed to help me feel better, even though I knew it wasn't the best thing.
My doctors visits were great. It was so nice to see an active, growing baby inside, and start making plans for the future. Moving, Chris finding a new job, Chris finishing school, Dillan starting Kindergarten, Leah starting Preschool, and baby and me at home.

Once again, I put myself in control. I make the plans and I intend to have them carried out.